131 Thoughts Every Expat Has While Living in Shanghai

1. China is so big and exciting! This was definitely a good idea.
2. OMG so many people here, what did I get myself in to?
3. Wow the subway is so convenient.
4. Holy crap the subway is too full. I’ll just bike instead.
5. It’s too hot to bike to work
6. It’s too cold to bike to work.
7. I’ll just take the subway to work.
8. If everyone in the subway would look up from their screens when they get to their stop, that would really be an improvement for the traffic flow.
9. I guess no one here has heard of the ‘stand right, walk left’ concept.
10. Subway bag checker may be the worst job in the city.
11. Am I invisible or did that person just walk straight at me on the sidewalk?
12. If this guy says he lives in Pudong he is not getting my number.
13. If this guy is an English teacher he is so not getting my number.
14. I wonder if we’ll be able to see the sun through the smog tomorrow.
15. I really hope this is just fog.
16. I really hope this isn’t acid rain.
17. Blue sky day – what foreign dignitary is visiting?
18. No one in the history of mankind has ever spent this long at an ATM before.
19. I’m totally bringing Ayi with me if I ever leave China.
20. Can ayis get visas to exit China?
21. 70RMB for a glass of wine? I guess I’ll just get a bottle.
22. Ladies night in Pudong? I’d rather pay for drinks, thanks.
23. I would totally exercise more if the air quality was better.
24. I would drink less if I could exercise more.
25. If I got hit by a car, would anyone help me? I should probably take a taxi everywhere.
26. You get paid extra to live in Beijing, right?
27. I don’t care how long your flight back home is, or how many stops you have to make.
28. These are the best noodles I’ve ever tasted.
29. I could eat noodles ever day.
30. I miss cereal. How the fuck is it 75rmb for a box of Raisin Bran?!
31. If I hear one more person hawk a loogie next to me, I may scream.
32. ARRRRRGH!
33. I love China.
34. I’m having a China day, I’ll stay inside and watch DVDs all day.
35. That movie came out in America last weekend, how is it not at every DVD shop yet?
36. Ordering Sherpa’s twice in one day is totally not shameful if the neighbors didn’t see it.
37. Walking to the gate to meet the courier totally counts as leaving the house.
38. Wait, you’ve been to the top of the Pearl Tower?
39. Why is this taxi driver going this way?! Does he think I’m a tourist?
40. Oh wait, this way is totally faster.
41. Sir, I’d tip you if we weren’t in China.
42. Could the internet get any slower?
43. Wait, don’t answer that. FUCK.
44. Please don’t make me use Yahoo! Search.
45. How is Windows still a bar?
46. The average age at Perry’s is actually pre-teen.
47. Of course I want cold beer, how is that even a question?
48. I SAID BINGDE!
49. Don’t even think about going to Avocado Lady right after work.
50. Could Pines get any more ghetto?
51. Could City Shop get any more expensive?
52. Could Avocado Lady please get a bigger space?
53. Even during happy hour, drinks are cheaper back home.
54. You’ve lived here for a year with no VPN? Are you insane?!
55. Can everyone back home just get WeChat so I can delete WhatsApp.
56. Oh my god my plane left from Pudong on time. Where am I?
57. I would rather donate bone marrow than take you to visit Beijing.
58. Maybe Sherpa’s should just hire more couriers.
59. If you’re staying in China for less than 6 months we cannot be friends.
60. We can sleep together though.
61. I almost want to hug you for picking your dog’s shit up immediately off the sidewalk.
62. Everyone back home is unemployed.
63. I can never actually leave China.
64. If someone asks me if I’m a China lifer one more time…
65. Did I make that apple cleaner or dirtier by rinsing it in the tap water?
66. If they raised taxi prices by 5rmb, I bet it would be a lot easier to hail one.
67. Don’t praise my Chinese after I only said ‘ni hao.’ It’s patronizing.
68. Did you hear that perfect sentence?! Why is no one noticing that?
69. I should start taking Mandarin lessons again.
70. If I ever get a dog, I promise to not make him wear shoes.
71. Can all the attendants in Uniqlo please stop shouting ‘welcome’ at every single person?
72. OLD NAVY IS HERE!
73. Is it actually mandatory for public busses to run red lights?
74. Five star taxis are like beautiful unicorns.
75. I think I’ll miss Chinese food more than my friends if I leave.
76. I’ve never experienced a worse hangover. Open bar, never again.
77. I’ll go home for the holidays if my parents pay for my flight.
78. God I hope this place has western toilets.
79. Shit, did I bring tissues?
80. No soap or towels? Finally a use for paper jiao.
81. Why did MorganShort have to move to Beijing?
82. Why did Evan Osnos have to leave China?
83. I get invited to more going away parties than birthdays.
84. I didn’t even know half my best friends this time last year.
85. We would so not be friends back home.
86. Look at my chopstick game. I am a fucking champion.
87. Dude, put the bone IN your mouth. What a laowai noob.
88. OMG, I can’t get anything off this bone.
89. DID I JUST SWALLOW A BONE? AM I DYING?
90. Maybe if I pretend I don’t speak English no one will talk to me.
91. Maybe if I pretend I don’t speak Chinese no one will talk to me.
92. I should visit Tibet before I leave China.
93. I should move to Tibet.
94. What if I learned Tibetan?
95. Is Tibetan a language?
96. Are my local friends only friends with me because they want to practice English?
97. Am I only friends with my local friends because I want to practice Chinese?
98. Finally, a country where everyone recognizes how shuai I am.
99. I could totally be on Chinese TV.
100. I’m definitely attractive enough to be a celebrity in China.
101. I can’t name a single Chinese celebrity.
102. Chinese breakfast is the best breakfast.
103. Of course I eat youtiao every morning! They’re delicious!
104. God, I don’t understand why I keep gaining so much weight.
105. Look at all the stamps in my passport. Fuck, I’m worldly.
106. So much cooler than that bitch from high school. SUCK IT BECKY.
107. I just can’t relate to people from home any more. I’m such an expat.
108. Ugh, I hate expats. I miss home.
109. I should quit smoking.
110. I’ll quit smoking after I leave China.
111. I wonder if the government has a file on me now.
112. I wonder if my government has a file on me now.
113. What would happen if I went to Chinese jail?
114. I miss nature.
115. But Moganshan is so far away.
116. Maybe I’ll just go to Fuxing Park.
117. Why the fuck are there so many people in the park?
118. Why the fuck can’t I sit on the grass?
119. This grass is disgusting.
120. Ugh, look at these posers in their old French Concession apartments.
121. It’s so sad that all the old Shanghainese are getting pushed out by gentrification.
122. I should find a French Concession apartment.
123. The Great Wall is so played out.
124. You guys, I know the coolest part of the Great Wall. I know a guy. It’s a hidden gem.
125. Why are there 15 buses of tourists from Hunan at my hidden Great Wall gem?
126. I love roughing it, just backpacking through the countryside.
127. Man, this hostel is so cool. It’s so authentic. This is Real China.
128. What do you mean this hostel doesn’t have a hot water?
129. Wait, I’m supposed to sleep on that?
130. Bitch, do you KNOW how much my neck hurts from that hard sleeper?
131. Hold that thought, laduzi.

Thanks for the inspiration Buzzfeed.